


Hey, Romeo. I want a divorce.

by impravidus



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, Divorce, Drunken Shenanigans, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kinda, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29380560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: “So you’re telling me,” Jason says slowly, “that you just happened to forget to tell me that you’remarriedand to mybrother?”Roy gulps. “In my defense, we were really,reallydrunk.”
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Wally West, Roy Harper/Jason Todd
Comments: 45
Kudos: 436





	Hey, Romeo. I want a divorce.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Somewhere Between the Lines](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7634128) by [TenSpencerRiedPlease](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease). 



Roy stares at the bright red apartment door, shuffling awkwardly on the welcome mat, tentatively raising his hand to knock. 

Roy doesn’t like sneaking around, especially not with Jason who can read him like a fucking book, but this is the only opportunity that he could see clearing up in the near future.

Jason is out of town, taking care of some unspecified business and Lian is staying with Dinah for the weekend, so it’s almost like the clouds are aligning for him to do this.

He just has to fucking knock.

“C’mon, Harper, you can do this. It’s just Robin. It’s not like you completely ghosted the dude for the last decade after you drunk fucked in Vegas the summer after college graduation and haven’t even friended him on Facebook.” He covers his face with his hand. “Jesus, do people even use Facebook anymore? Robin probably does. He seems like he would.” He sighs and faces the door. “Just fucking knock.” With a long hesitation, he finally pounds his fist against the wood three times, dread pooling in his gut from the action.

“I’m coming!” a voice calls from the other side of the door. To Roy’s surprise, Wally West pulls open the door, fumbling for his wallet. “I think I only have two twenties, so if you have change that’d be…” Wally’s trails off, jaw dropping. “Speedy?”

Roy waves awkwardly. “Kid Flash?”

Wally lets out a breath of disbelief. “In the flesh!” He grins, mouth still agape in surprise. “Wow. I… wow! I haven’t seen you in… God, how long?”

“Yeah, I know,” Roy replies. “So, uh, you and Rob, huh?”

Wally nods. “Yeah. I know right?”

“Wonder if the betting pool estimated this far ahead,” Roy says with a chuckle.

Wally groans. “Of course there was a betting pool.”

“I’m pretty sure I estimated Rob’s twenty-first birthday.”

“Yeah, you had way too much faith in us.” Wally laughs. “We didn’t get our heads out of our asses until recently.”

“How’d that happen?” Roy asks.

“It was more of a ‘Hey, we’ve been best friends for twenty years and roommates for fifteen. You wanna kiss?’ and then it was like ‘Huh. Yeah. I think I do.’”

Roy shakes his head. “That is painfully in character for you two.”

“Well, come in! Let’s catch up!” Wally herds Roy into the apartment excitedly. The two make their way to the couch. “Not to be rude or anything, I mean, seriously, great to see you, but you haven’t exactly kept in touch since we graduated. What brings you now?”

“Is it that unbelievable that I just wanted to see you?” Roy asks.

Wally raises an eyebrow. “Uh, yeah. It is, actually. Considering.”

Roy winces. “Right. I… listen, Wally. I’m sorry. About… about being a shit friend. And for just… cutting ties like that.”

Wally’s face softens. “Dude, don’t even worry about it. That was ages ago. We were young and stupid. I don’t hold it against you.  _ We  _ don’t.”

“Speaking of which, where’s Rob? I gotta talk to him.”

“Oh, he’s—”

As if on cue, the door opens, revealing Dick Grayson and a twelve pack of cheap beer. “Babe, you would not  _ believe _ the dog I saw on my way her…” Dick’s jaw drops.

And like the idiot he is, Roy blurts out the last thing he wants to say. “Hey, Romeo. I want a divorce.”

Dick’s jaw somehow drops even wider while Wally’s eyes bug out. 

“What?” Dick asks, voice cracking.

“Remember Vegas?” Roy asks.

Dick shuts his eyes. “Yes?”

“Well, I was cleaning out my closet and…” he pulls the first paper off of his pile. “I found our marriage license.” He hands it to Dick.

Dick takes a long breath, gawking at the paper. “God, how drunk were we?”

“I think you know how drunk we were,” Roy says.

Dick snorts. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“I’ve got the divorce papers here, so, if you could just, unmarry me, that would be great.” Roy places the packet on the coffee table.

“You in a rush or can I get these back to you?” Dick asks.

“I, uh,” Roy rubs the back of his neck, “ASAP would be most appreciated.”

Dick’s eyebrows shoot up. “Has the great chick magnet himself Roy Harper finally settled down?”

Roy’s face flushes. “Uh, yeah. The wedding’s in June.”

Wally whistles. “That’s coming up.”

Roy nods. “Yeah. So, you can see why I need this done as soon as possible.”

Dick nods. “Yeah. Of course. I’ll get started. Lemme go grab a pen.” 

“Soooo,” Wally says in a singsong voice. “Are we invited?”

“Do you  _ want _ to be invited?” Roy asks.

Wally scoffs dramatically. “I am a  _ blast  _ at weddings. And I give amazing gifts.”

“You’ll also probably eat the whole buffet,” Roy points out.

Wally holds up his hands in surrender. “Guilty as charged.”

Dick returns and sits on the floor at the coffee table. “So. You gotta tell us about her.”

“Him, actually,” Roy says.

The two look up in shock, but quickly recover.

“Him, then,” Dick says.

“Jay is… God. He’s great. Pigheaded, stubborn little shit who doesn’t take anyone’s shit. He’s had it rough but he’s really made something great despite everything. Him and his family aren’t close. I’ve never actually met them. I don’t really ask. I mean, my family life’s gone to hell too.”

Wally frowns. “You and Oliver, are you not…?”

“I don’t think it’s ever been easy, but uh, shit went down and we haven’t really been the same. We’re working on it though." Roy nods, clicking his tongue. “I, uh, got into heroin. It… wasn’t pretty. But then I found out about my daughter and I had to get clean, but at that point, I had pushed away everyone, and well, burnt too many bridges.”

Dick’s breath hitches. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Roy shrugs. “It’s how it is.”

“Well,” Wally says, trying to change the tone, “so far, all we know about Jay is that he’s a stubborn asshole with family problems?”

Roy laughs. “He’s really good with kids. Good with my kid and his students and the kids he works with at the homeless shelters. He just… he just wants to do good. And that’s… he’s just… yeah.” Roy smiles wistfully.

“Well, I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you look like that,” Dick says.

“Me too,” Wally says. “You deserve someone who’s good.”

Roy ducks his head.

“Now. The important part,” Wally says. “How’s he in bed?”

Roy smirks. “God, he’s amazing in bed. You wouldn’t believe I actually managed to tie down a guy like him, he’s… he’s gorgeous. Smoking hot in the tall, broad, chiseled, fucking ripped kind of way. I don’t kiss and tell, but the things he does with that mouth? Yeah, I’m the luckiest guy on Earth.”

“How’d you two meet?” Dick asks.

“I was at an NA meeting and he was supporting some of his kids from the shelter. He spilled his coffee on me and I offered to buy him another later.”

Wally snorts. “Smooth. I don’t know why I expected anything less from you.”

“That’s me,” Roy says, “Mr. Smooth.”

“I take it back,” Wally says. “That was horrible.”

Roy is about to quip back when there’s a sudden pounding on the door.

“C’mon Dickwad!” A very,  _ very  _ familiar voice calls as the pounding grows louder. “Open up!”

Roy freezes.

“If you don’t open this door in the next ten seconds, I’m picking the lock! You know I can!”

Roy jumps out of the couch and hides behind the back which earns an odd look from Wally.

Dick sighs and pulls himself off the floor.

“Do you need me to start fucking counting?” 

“I’m coming!” Dick shouts back. He pulls open the door and  _ yup, that’s Jason. That’s his fiance, Jason Todd, in this apartment, right now. _

“Jason,” Dick says, his tone complicated in a way that Roy doesn’t understand. “What are you doing here?”

“We gotta talk,” Jason says, letting himself in.

“Oh, so we’re talking now?” Dick asks, voice tight.

“I’m sorry,” Jason blurts out. 

There’s a long pause while Dick is silently blinking at him. “What?”

“Jesus, you’re makin’ me say it again?” Jason huffs. “I’m sorry.”

“I… you are?” Dick asks.

“Yes. I am. Which is why I fucking said it. God, Dick.”

“I just… why now?”

“Because I’m getting married. And I think it’s about time that I make amends.”

Dick’s eyes soften. “You’re getting married?”

Jason, his tough exterior melting slightly, nods jerkily. “Yeah. I am. And… and it’s really serious. And I really love him. And if he doesn’t leave me like he should, he’s sticking around. And I… I want you guys there. I want you to meet him and get to know him and see me standing at the altar and all that shit. I… I haven’t been fair. I know I haven’t. But I… I want to be better. I want to try again. I want you to be part of my life again. And I want to be part of yours.”

Jason lets out a long breath. “Great. That was my whole fucking monologue. That’s all you’re getting. You got your sappy feelings shit. Your turn.”

Dick grabs Jason by the shoulders. “I’m always gonna love you, Little Wing. I know after everything… but I… we should’ve been there too. It’s on us both, on us all. And I… I’ve missed you so much. And I… I’m so, _so_ happy to see you again. You…” Dick’s voice breaks, “you’ve grown so much.”

Jason tries to shake Dick off, but he just grips tighter. 

“I’ll be there,” Dick says firmly. “I want to be there. Anything and everything you’re willing to share with me, I’ll… I will be there.”

Then, because the universe and pollen hates him, Roy sneezes loudly. Unfortunately, he has a very distinct sneeze, one that Jason has teased him about on many occasions. Roy stills.

“Roy?” Jason says, confused.

Slowly and sheepishly, Roy stands up. “Hey, Jay.”

Dick’s head snaps between the two, realization dawning.  _ “No.” _

Roy closes his eyes. “Yup.”

“What are you doing here?” Jason questions.

“Uh… well you see…”

Dick quickly rushes to the coffee table and gathers the divorce papers.

Jason eyes him suspiciously. “What are you hiding?”

“Nothing!” Dick squeaks.

Jason, without a moment of hesitation, wrestles Dick to get the papers.

“What are you  _ hiding?!”  _ Jason yells, annoyed.

_ “They’re married!”  _ Wally blurts out.

“Wally!” Dick and Roy hiss.

Jason’s body goes tense. “You’re  _ huh?” _

“Married,” Wally says fast. “They’re married and now they’re getting a divorce so he can marry you.”

“Wally!” they shout again.

“So you’re telling me,” Jason says slowly, “that you just happened to forget to tell me that you’re  _ married _ and to my  _ brother?” _

Roy gulps. “In my defense, we were really,  _ really _ drunk.”

“When… how…  _ what?” _

“Please don’t unbethroth me.”

“Okay, not gonna address whatever the fuck  _ that _ means.”

“In my  _ other  _ defense, it’s not like I knew he was your brother. Or that I would be with you. When we got married.”

Jason covers his face with his hands. “Okay,” Jason murmurs. “I can work with this. My brother and my fiance got drunk married. I’ve done worse when I was shitfaced.” He looks up. “At least tell me you didn’t…”

Roy and Dick share a look of guilt and mutual ‘please, ground, swallow me whole.’

“Oh c’mon!”

“You’re better?” Roy says meekly.

“Not what I want to hear, Roy!” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat, my Tumblr is [official-impravidus](https://official-impravidus.tumblr.com/)


End file.
